Monday, 22 April 2013


FYC: "Software" - When a rogue Free-Software hacker known only as 'Gnudity' starts releasing plans for 3D-printing parts of an artificially-intelligent robot sex doll, enraged organised criminals from around the world fear the demise of the world's oldest profession. They decide to put aside their differences to band together and hunt down and exterminate GNUdity before he perfects his (or is it her?) open-source cybernetic twat...

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Danny Satchmo

FYC: "Danny Satchmo" - Long-lost Michael Winner treasure from early 70s, in which Charlton Heston stars as a brave Caucasian detective who blacks-up so he can go undercover inside a vicious gang of Negroid hoodlums and rapists called The Jungle Savages.

Monday, 8 April 2013

Dishonor Before Death

FYC: "Dishonor Before Death" - Daniel Day Lewis stars as a C.I.A. psy-ops chief who tries to turn around the fortunes of the War On Terror by leveraging traditional Muslim ideals of honour to demoralise Al Qaeda by assassinating their  leaders in the most grotesquely ignominious ways possible. But what is the most shameful way for an Islamic militant to die?

After the herd of experimental turban-rape pigs are accidentally freed by P.E.T.A. and run amok in a local mosque, the project is almost shut down... But how can the president resist the idea of an elite squad of clown assassins, trained up to Navy S.E.A.L. standards, dropped deep behind enemy lines... "Who, after all Mister President, can kill more silently than a mime? And think how many clowns we can deploy from a very small plane!"

And so a failing circus is secretly recruited for the task of offing the terrorists' number one man, somehwere in deepest Afghanistan...

Arnold Schwarzeneger plays the brain damaged Strong Man, with his vice-like grip of death; Brad Pitt plays the maverick knife thrower who must take over the mission when circus ring-master Tommy Lee Jones falls from the commando-stilts whilst scaling Mullah Omar's compound walls, and Emily Blunt stars as the rookie mime who has to learn to juggle grenades instead of brightly coloured plastic balls.

Also starring Vin Diesel as the tent pole.